Bittersweet

I guess you can go around and tell everyone our business. Go ahead and make them feel sorry for you. We’re just about to graduate high school and you haven’t grown up yet? Please, get over yourself. No one’s gonna give a shit about what happened. It’s such a small thing and you’re doing all you can to get people to feel sorry for you? Because you think we talked shit about you. Who knows, we probably have. What you read? Hey, that’s all true..so why don’t you just stop denying it. It ain’t talking shit if it’s all true. Why don’t you be real with yourself before you talk about being real with others. People talk shit all the time, get used to it. 

It really doesn’t bother me that she’s having everyone think different of me. I’m not sorry for anything. I only hear about it when people tell me they heard something and then, I automatically know what they’re referring to. It’s pretty funny actually. Keep holding that grudge you got on me, I don’t care. I’ll be doing much better things than that. Sticking with the people who will only lift me up higher. 

Sometimes, my thoughts really just keep me zoning out at like any time of the day. What else would be bothering, besides the thought of my love life and the feelings I have for a person. To be totally honest, if I tell you my story, you would get pretty confused.. the thing is, I don’t know who or what I want sometimes, but when it all comes down to it? It has always been my first love. The guy I met my freshman year, the guy I seriously fell in love with and talked to for like 6+ months or something. Absolutely everyone we knew and maybe a bunch of people we don’t know, saw we were a couple.. but not a regular PDA type of couple. I mean, this guy was literally like my best friend. Every time we were together, we joke around, tease, pick on and everything else you probably wouldn’t see a couple do to each other. It wasn’t all about the usual boyfriend and girlfriend things and being mean to each other 24/7 .. it was the fact that we had each other. I really do miss the way it used to be and if he never moved away, I wouldn’t be so confused. I’ve done a lot of stupid things to cope with how sad I was. It was all dumb of me, but it all got me where I’m at today. If I had a chance to meet up with him again, I’d hope we could give love a chance again.

I have a handful of guy friends that really think they might get a chance with me, but to be totally honest, I cannot see myself being with ANYONE. I really have no problem being single. I went out and lived my life, learning from the bad decisions made and what not. I’m in no rush to get into anything serious and I wish most people understood that. That’s one thing I learned from though, to just let people do what they do and mind my own and live, not worrying about anything except about myself. I’m sure I’ll know when the right time is for me. I’m going with the flow and just letting things happen because i’m sure they’re all bound to happen sooner or later. Life is life. I take what it gives to me. I’ll hate it most times, but that’s alright actually.

The Mondays aren’t as slow as before. In fact, they go by pretty fast. I cannot wait for the last week of school for Seniors. 

Anyways, today went by pretty fast. It wasn’t really that awkward. I don’t even care who I don’t talk to or the people being all silly and shit. They just need to get over themselves. High school is almost over. Every single day I get up and think, “just another day that’ll go by faster than usual and I won’t have to worry about anything anymore” I just wake up, get through the day, get home and freaking relax. Today, I felt bad because a friend brought us food, but I just didn’t have the appetite to eat today. Or at least, eat what they brought. I really don’t have much to say in the post. Just of how boring my day was. 

Some people need to grow the fuck up and just realize that everyone is going to talk shit, no matter what. Who in this world has never talked smack about someone else. At least I’m didn’t turn around and try to deny it. And to be totally clear on this, we were not talking shit. Like one of my girls said, “it ain’t talking shit if it’s all true” I swear, I was getting heated up just trying to clear things up. But honestly? Sure, I feel bad in a little way.. It’s just I cannot wait to graduate and get the hell out of this place, if not for good than at least a while. After high school, you really wouldn’t see the bullshitting people as often. I’m cool with that. People will eventually get over themselves and it’ll turn out to be something we’ll laugh about in the future. Anyways, I’ve got 9 more weeks and I am taking as long of a vacation as I can. Senior year has honestly opened up my eyes to a bunch of things I totally would have done differently. But hey, everything happens for a reason. The one thing I’ve almost grown out of would be to actually give a fuck about the people who really aren’t mature enough to suck it up and move on. I’m so done with people and that kind of attitude. I learned to brush it off and find something better to do. I’m happy to be where it has gotten me. There are still some things I’m working on that I’m hoping will be mended once I enter the real world. I’m really anxious to know how things will turn out. 

This past weekend has honestly been something out of the ordinary. I went bowling with a friend and it was hilarious. For thee first time, I fell on my butt trying to bowl. I didn’t care until after I saw my bowling ball go down the lane and hit the pins. It was then that I realized I fell down in front of everyone. I honestly was not embarrassed though. It was funny. It’s crazy to think I actually feel comfortable acting silly and being such a klutz in front of someone I barely know. Oh and before I go on? I advise anyone taking me on a date, to know that I will probably be late. Anyways, so there was bowling and then just sitting and talking, until my friend’s parents picked us up. We went to the mall, got some yogurt, ran the massage chairs and were kinda forced into challenging in Dance Dance Revolution, EVEN IF I have no dance skills whatsoever. That day was well worth it. I have never had a day like that. To just go out with a guy friend and his family. But hey, there’s a first for everything. 

I’m not sure what I feel for this guy. I don’t know what I really want to be totally honest about my feelings. I just want to do things that’ll make me happy, things that I feel like doing. Going out and having fun, not being under the influence is fun most of the time. It feels good to do something better than just wasting money on weed and being with a group of people who really don’t good decisions with life. I’ve been through some of that, enough to know what I really should be doing. (I hope I’m making at least a little bit of sense with this post, lol) You don’t need drugs or alcohol to have fun. You just need a good crowd with a positive attitude. I’m glad that’s how I spend my weekend. 

I never thought I’d come to making a private blog to vent to because I didn’t really care about writing. The thing is, I don’t really think my mind can just give that much to say. It’s just something new for me to try out. I’ve got through a lot and I’ve gotten through it. My mind is blank right now. There you have it, thee ugliest introduction I could have ever written, lol.